What Is Seen

Back in November I posted a picture along with this long winded caption on Instagram:

"Friendly reminder (mainly to myself) that you do not need to earn your food tomorrow. There is to be no caloric deficit nor marathon gym adventure on Friday either. What there IS to be had is living in the present moment. Enjoying the people around you. Savoring every last bit of food and drink. If that includes moving your body in fun and enjoyable ways-- great! But it should not be punishment or a form of repentance. You are a feeling human who was built for community-- not a robot meant to maintain a constant state. In my opinion, there is no more beautiful of an example of community than breaking bread around the table with one another. So relax and enjoy tomorrow."

If you didn't know, I struggle with body image and food. I always have. I cannot remember a time I did NOT struggle with it. Truly. It has always been like this. Some seasons of life better than others, but I cannot recall a time I ever felt "at peace" with food or my body.

Recently I had a conversation with my mom about this. I was struggling one day and instead of listening to me she gave me this unsolicited advice (summed up into a sentence): "You know, I think if you focused more on being closer to God and stopped doing CrossFit, you might not find yourself feeling this way."

And friends, part of me just wants to stop writing right there. Because still to this day I'm trying to process ALL OF THAT.

But after a couple weeks of sitting with it, I've come to a couple conclusions. And I think it's important to share them this time of year.

1) God humbled himself as a human infant and came into this world not to ensure happiness for everyone, but to save everyone. Following God does not equate to health and happiness. God promises nothing of this world to me, but instead promises peace, love, mercy, and eternal life.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -Paul

There have been seasons where I have felt incredibly close to God and there have been seasons where I questioned his existence. But through ALL of that, I can assure you of this: I still struggled with my body image. I still struggled with what was seen.

So this idea that "being closer to God" (Is there a measurement tool out there..?) would somehow remove these thoughts/feelings is somewhat dumbfounding. This is similar to the widely held belief that you can "pray things away." What the...? No. That is not how this works. Do I think having a personal relationship with God and a prayer life are helpful, and arguably necessary, to the human experience? Absolutely, yes. But I also have enough sense to understand that closeness with God & diligent prayer do not equate to a pain-free life.

2) I've thought a lot about this one. Mainly because this is the second time it's been brought into question by someone I trusted, but CrossFit will forever have pros and cons to it.

Just.like.every.damn.form.of.exercise. 

It comes down to weighing those pros and cons. For me, the pros weigh more. Those alone could be another post so I'm just going to leave this tidbit here:

I struggled with my body image before CrossFit. 

I struggle with my body image during CrossFit. 

I will struggle with my body image after CrossFit.

BUT

I have learned the various capabilities of my body because of CrossFit.

I have come to accept, love, and appreciate the many shapes of the female body because of CrossFit.

I will forever be grateful for the lessons-- both seen and unseen-- that CrossFit has taught me.

So quit CrossFit? Nah, fam.

3) Combine 1 and 2 together during the holidays and it's like World War III up in this mind. My anxiety climbs to an all time high and I find myself staring at my reflection longer than necessary. Do I eat the cookies? If so, do I do an extra workout? Everyone keeps talking about earning your holiday treats. But wait, the gym is closed. Do I just not have the wine? (Ha...hahahaha)

And so here I am, hours away from all the food & drink of the Christmas holiday, stressing about the fact the gym is closed the next two days because...oh wait...Jesus. The guy I'm supposed to have a better relationship with in order to rid myself of this worry.

Right. Jesus.

What if this Christmas, even for a small moment, I could allow my body image struggle and Jesus to share the same space? What if it doesn't have to be one or the other?

What if the whole point of this time of year is to be reminded that despite the chaos, despite the struggle, despite the fact there seems to be no room left at the proverbial "inn," God, in the form of a squishy baby laying in a feed trough, reminds us that there is Love, and Peace, and Beauty, and Life to be found in the midst of it all? 

He reminds us that what is seen and unseen can coexist in the same, raw, heavenly moment.