One Year Later: Forever Trying
“I'm a work in progress. I don't have this all figured out. I'm still sorting and processing. I'm still learning with each day. Life is forever tries. It's the process of continually trying to forgive, continually trying to love, continually trying to be gracious. Never arriving, but forever trying.” -Me; October 2017
One year later I’d like to say I have this all figured out. That I’m at peace with myself, and CrossFit, and my worth, and how my body looks. That I’m always loving and always gracious. But that’s not the case. Like I said, life is forever tries. So I’ve been trying. I am still trying.
And I am learning to be grateful along the way.
Grateful for:
1) My Body. *takes a sip of wine* It’s so hard for me to type that because there is a part of me that is so NOT grateful for my body because of how it looks. However, when I think back to a year ago and what my body did to protect, preserve, and heal itself, I can’t help but sit in absolute awe. I need to start appreciating my body more. It is so much more than it’s outward shell.
2) God. For placing the right people in my life at the right time. I find zero coincidences in how my story unfolded. Every person I was in contact with during that time in my life played an integral role in keeping me safe, loved, and healthy.
3) Letting Go. Sometimes it takes staring death in the face to realize just how precious your life is, and therefore how little time you have to be wasting it on toxic people/jobs/things. Finding my worth and letting go of what was not meant for me was one of my greatest takeaways, even though it hurt like hell for a time.
4) Leaning In. My mom and I hadn’t been speaking for over a year when I went to the hospital. When I got there I had this overwhelming desire of wanting my mom. I wanted her to hold me and comfort me like only a mother could. I finally relented and called. I told her what happened. And like any mom— she scolded me first for not telling her sooner and then got there as soon as she could. About a week after I was discharged we had a long and heavy conversation about what each of us wanted/needed in this mother/daughter relationship we were trying to navigate. Apologies were made and we started taking steps to mend our relationship. We are still mending. I’m grateful for the ability to lean in to the notion that it’s okay to not agree on everything. That it’s ok to view life through a different lens, but to ultimately realize that our relationship means more than our ideals. Leaning in has been one of the greatest gifts. Never arriving, but forever trying.
5) My People. I always feel kind of mean-girls-esque when I say that, but it’s so true. I have some truly amazing people in my life. There is part of me that wants to list every person by name and what they did specifically for me a year ago, but I understand that literally nobody would stay awake reading that. Just know that if you came to see me in the hospital, or called/texted, or brought meals/goodies over once I was out— I haven’t forgotten. Not for one second. Thank you for being my people.
I’d be lying to myself and to you if I said I was in this magical, new place one year later. I sometimes wish I had some crazy revelation that just made everything all better. But that’s not real life. At least not for me.
I am still working. I am still trying.
I am still attempting to quiet the fear and anxiety in my head that keeps whispering (often screaming), “You’re not enough. Not pretty, thin, fit, smart, creative, talented, ______ enough.”
I am still attempting to put my ego aside every time I step foot in the gym. Some days are easier than others.
I am still reminding myself that I have nothing to prove.
I am continually telling myself that I owe zero explanations for who I am.
Because I’m loved and enough. Right now. As I am.
And so are you. Live like it.
Life is forever tries.
Grace, friends.
One year later I’d like to say I have this all figured out. That I’m at peace with myself, and CrossFit, and my worth, and how my body looks. That I’m always loving and always gracious. But that’s not the case. Like I said, life is forever tries. So I’ve been trying. I am still trying.
And I am learning to be grateful along the way.
Grateful for:
1) My Body. *takes a sip of wine* It’s so hard for me to type that because there is a part of me that is so NOT grateful for my body because of how it looks. However, when I think back to a year ago and what my body did to protect, preserve, and heal itself, I can’t help but sit in absolute awe. I need to start appreciating my body more. It is so much more than it’s outward shell.
2) God. For placing the right people in my life at the right time. I find zero coincidences in how my story unfolded. Every person I was in contact with during that time in my life played an integral role in keeping me safe, loved, and healthy.
3) Letting Go. Sometimes it takes staring death in the face to realize just how precious your life is, and therefore how little time you have to be wasting it on toxic people/jobs/things. Finding my worth and letting go of what was not meant for me was one of my greatest takeaways, even though it hurt like hell for a time.
4) Leaning In. My mom and I hadn’t been speaking for over a year when I went to the hospital. When I got there I had this overwhelming desire of wanting my mom. I wanted her to hold me and comfort me like only a mother could. I finally relented and called. I told her what happened. And like any mom— she scolded me first for not telling her sooner and then got there as soon as she could. About a week after I was discharged we had a long and heavy conversation about what each of us wanted/needed in this mother/daughter relationship we were trying to navigate. Apologies were made and we started taking steps to mend our relationship. We are still mending. I’m grateful for the ability to lean in to the notion that it’s okay to not agree on everything. That it’s ok to view life through a different lens, but to ultimately realize that our relationship means more than our ideals. Leaning in has been one of the greatest gifts. Never arriving, but forever trying.
5) My People. I always feel kind of mean-girls-esque when I say that, but it’s so true. I have some truly amazing people in my life. There is part of me that wants to list every person by name and what they did specifically for me a year ago, but I understand that literally nobody would stay awake reading that. Just know that if you came to see me in the hospital, or called/texted, or brought meals/goodies over once I was out— I haven’t forgotten. Not for one second. Thank you for being my people.
I’d be lying to myself and to you if I said I was in this magical, new place one year later. I sometimes wish I had some crazy revelation that just made everything all better. But that’s not real life. At least not for me.
I am still working. I am still trying.
I am still attempting to quiet the fear and anxiety in my head that keeps whispering (often screaming), “You’re not enough. Not pretty, thin, fit, smart, creative, talented, ______ enough.”
I am still attempting to put my ego aside every time I step foot in the gym. Some days are easier than others.
I am still reminding myself that I have nothing to prove.
I am continually telling myself that I owe zero explanations for who I am.
Because I’m loved and enough. Right now. As I am.
And so are you. Live like it.
Life is forever tries.
Grace, friends.
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