I'm sorry Mom

Mom,

I'm sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be.

I'm sorry that I'm not married and that I haven't given you any grandkids.

I'm sorry that I may never give you any grandkids because I'm not sure I want kids of my own.

I'm sorry you feel as though, "when you find the man you want to marry you'll feel differently" when it comes to my thoughts about having kids.

I'm sorry that my political views are not the same as yours and therefore you believe my relationship with God is in question.

I'm sorry that I speak my mind often...and loudly.

I'm sorry that I'm not a meek, mild, gentle, and submissive woman like you encouraged me to be-- that "maybe if I were, I'd have a boyfriend by now."

I'm sorry that I've learned to guard myself and set boundaries. 

I'm sorry that I refuse to be guilt tripped and manipulated.

I'm sorry that I struggle with my body image.

I'm sorry that you feel as though I wouldn't struggle with my body image if I were just closer to God and quit doing CrossFit.

I'm sorry that I'm a feminist.

I'm sorry that I don't have the relationship with Dave that you'd like me have. He came into my life at 25 years of age...and he's not my dad.

I'm sorry that you feel the need to give advice despite my pleas of just wanting you to listen.

I'm sorry you feel the need to blog about your "adult child issues" and how we (my brother and I) are as you put it..."walking a prodigal path that is far from the path you have shown us to walk."

I'm sorry that you feel as though your adult children are somehow responsible for the health of your marriage.

I'm sorry you feel the need to cut off all contact with your children, especially this time of year.

But what I'm most sorry about is how much of my life you have/and are going to miss out on. There will be precious moments and times that we will never be able to get back or recreate. There will be good times and there will be bad times, but you will know nothing of it because you've chosen to completely cut off all contact with me.

I'm sorry you won't get to see me succeed and thrive in my career.

I'm sorry you won't get to see me accomplish new things in activities I enjoy so much.

I'm sorry you won't be one of the first people I go to when I meet a man who is attracted to me for all the reasons you believe make me unattractive.

I'm sorry you won't be there as I rediscover God in all the places I was taught she couldn't be found.

I'm sorry you won't be able to witness what it looks like when a single, 30 year old female rises time and time again when life has given her plenty of reasons to just stay down.

I'm sorry I'm not enough.

I'm sorry I'm not.

I'm sorry I am.

I am sorry.

I am.

Me.