The Arena
My hospital bills. They've all come in and for the past week and a half I've been having to process and sit with the fact that I don't know how they're all going to be paid. What I do know is the number is large and that I am a teacher...and those two factors don't mix well. It's been overwhelming.
I have gone to a few different people about my concerns. Every response has been different but there have been similarities within subgroups.
I have found sympathy and validation from those that are most similar to me. These would be my single/teacher friends-- the ones who know what it's like to have 78 cents in their bank account with 3 days until payday.
On the contrary, I have found less validation and more advice from married/coupled/financially stable friends-- the ones who don't always have to think twice about finances because of the obvious reasons.
Here's the thing-- we know what we know. We say things based upon our own life experiences. We try to relate as much as we can. We often word vomit things to try to make others feel understood. However, things often goes awry because we ONLY speak from experience.
I have found that it has become easier for us to speak into other people's lives-- especially through a screen-- without having an ounce of context to help direct our words. We spew mostly well-intentioned statements into the air without truly understanding the weight they carry.
In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown put it brilliantly like this:
"If you're not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."
While this quote in it's original context is talking about the hard work of vulnerability, I think it can apply here too. Unless we're willing to take the time to get to know someone, to truly listen to their story and step into the arena with them-- then we don't have much business opening our mouths to offer our two cents.
The past couple weeks regarding my circumstances I've been given the following advice:
"Trust that this is part of God's plan for you."
"Use this as a time to work on strengthening your patience."
"It happened for a reason. Ask God to reveal that reason."
And in recent days regarding my hospital bills:
"Just give it God."
"Take heart in knowing that God's got this."
and my personal favorite:
"Don't worry."
Let me say this: I believe in God. I also believe in prayer. I believe God does have the best in mind for me. I also believe prayer does a lot of good for me both mentally and emotionally; it allows my truth to hit the air. But here's the thing: in the midst of pain, uncertainty, and suffering, the last thing I want to hear is that this is God's plan for me. In the midst of sorting through hospital bills in an attempt to process how I'm going to pay them, the last thing I want to hear is to give it God because He's got this. None of that advice takes away the fact that I'm still hurting. None of that takes away the notion that bills still need to be paid. And for the love of all things, telling someone not to worry during a pretty worrisome time is...just kind of...dumb. Yeah, dumb. I said it.
Yes, it was all well-meaning, but none of it helpful in the moment. None of it was spoken from a willingness to step into the arena with me.
I have been learning through this experience to say less of, "I get it," and more of, "I'm so sorry. Help me understand." Life is hard and sometimes we make it harder for those around us with our words.
However...
the more we listen and the less we speak,
the more we validate and the less we advise,
the more we willingly step into the arena instead of sitting by as spectators,
...the better we can really love one another and walk through life together.
So here's to getting our asses kicked with and for our people.
I have gone to a few different people about my concerns. Every response has been different but there have been similarities within subgroups.
I have found sympathy and validation from those that are most similar to me. These would be my single/teacher friends-- the ones who know what it's like to have 78 cents in their bank account with 3 days until payday.
On the contrary, I have found less validation and more advice from married/coupled/financially stable friends-- the ones who don't always have to think twice about finances because of the obvious reasons.
Here's the thing-- we know what we know. We say things based upon our own life experiences. We try to relate as much as we can. We often word vomit things to try to make others feel understood. However, things often goes awry because we ONLY speak from experience.
I have found that it has become easier for us to speak into other people's lives-- especially through a screen-- without having an ounce of context to help direct our words. We spew mostly well-intentioned statements into the air without truly understanding the weight they carry.
In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown put it brilliantly like this:
"If you're not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."
While this quote in it's original context is talking about the hard work of vulnerability, I think it can apply here too. Unless we're willing to take the time to get to know someone, to truly listen to their story and step into the arena with them-- then we don't have much business opening our mouths to offer our two cents.
The past couple weeks regarding my circumstances I've been given the following advice:
"Trust that this is part of God's plan for you."
"Use this as a time to work on strengthening your patience."
"It happened for a reason. Ask God to reveal that reason."
And in recent days regarding my hospital bills:
"Just give it God."
"Take heart in knowing that God's got this."
and my personal favorite:
"Don't worry."
Let me say this: I believe in God. I also believe in prayer. I believe God does have the best in mind for me. I also believe prayer does a lot of good for me both mentally and emotionally; it allows my truth to hit the air. But here's the thing: in the midst of pain, uncertainty, and suffering, the last thing I want to hear is that this is God's plan for me. In the midst of sorting through hospital bills in an attempt to process how I'm going to pay them, the last thing I want to hear is to give it God because He's got this. None of that advice takes away the fact that I'm still hurting. None of that takes away the notion that bills still need to be paid. And for the love of all things, telling someone not to worry during a pretty worrisome time is...just kind of...dumb. Yeah, dumb. I said it.
Yes, it was all well-meaning, but none of it helpful in the moment. None of it was spoken from a willingness to step into the arena with me.
I have been learning through this experience to say less of, "I get it," and more of, "I'm so sorry. Help me understand." Life is hard and sometimes we make it harder for those around us with our words.
However...
the more we listen and the less we speak,
the more we validate and the less we advise,
the more we willingly step into the arena instead of sitting by as spectators,
...the better we can really love one another and walk through life together.
So here's to getting our asses kicked with and for our people.
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