Rhabdo Part III
The ego. Webster defines it as "the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world." It's part of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality. The ego is essential for survival, but can also be a devastating tool when we let it pull us away from reality.
And this is where I've found myself. At somewhat of a rock bottom with a broken ego. The problem is that my ego has been broken for a while-- it's part of what led me to get rhabdo.
As I said in my previous post, CrossFit itself does not cause rhabdo. Broken egos and a multitude of other things cause rhabdo.
I always told myself that I was doing this for fun. I swore up and down that the day I felt I had to prove myself to someone or something, I had to reevaluate why I was doing CrossFit. I needed to step back and reflect. But that was easy to say in the beginning. It was easy to say because I was struggling with simple tasks such as properly gripping a barbell. I didn't have to worry about letting my ego get the best of me because I was like a baby learning to walk when it came to CrossFit. As I continued my journey I started to notice people who took it too seriously. They were the people that would slam the bar down in anger because the weight wasn't just so. They were the women that beat themselves up because the six pack wasn't there despite their very best efforts. They were the guys that spent what seemed like every waking moment in the gym..and still would walk away with a chip on their shoulder. It wasn't everyone. But there were some that seemed like it was never enough.
With time I became a little bit stronger, got a little bit faster, and started checking off movements I hadn't been able to do before. It was empowering. As a single woman it felt pretty bad ass to say I could dead lift 235 pounds. I celebrated the milestones and PR's well. I'd text my friend every time I accomplished something new. She celebrated with me too, but it was with a sense of humility and awareness that it's not always going to be like this. She had been around long enough to know that PR's fade, that some days you're stronger than others, and that the competitive spirit of the sport can get the best of you if you let it.
This friend of mine doesn't post her scores on Wodify anymore. She hasn't for a long time. And I always thought, secretly of course, that she was just weak. She couldn't handle having her scores out there for all to see. And I always thought I would never get to that point. I would proudly ride the bottom of the leader board, or humbly hold onto the short-lived time at the top. But bottom line-- I wasn't going to let it define me. Wherever I fell, I'd own it and be okay with it.
Until I wasn't.
I was no longer okay with back squatting under 200 pounds. I was no longer okay with the fact that I couldn't string pull-ups together. I wasn't okay with not Rx'ing the workout. I wanted to be better, stronger, faster. And heaven forbid someone who had just started CrossFit out-lift me in something. It was as though I had to prove myself worthy. Often when I tell this story I'm asked, "why?" or "to whom?" And I wish I had a solid answer. I think, if I'm honest, I felt inadequate. I have felt inadequate for some time. I was (am) a single woman with no boyfriend/husband/kids/house/dog who is barely making ends meet as a teacher. And I think I started to look to CrossFit to fill that inadequacy gap-- to make me feel better. I had to prove to the world I was strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough (but muscular enough), mentally tough enough, put-together enough. I didn't feel like I was enough on my own without these attributes. It's hard to admit this, but it got so bad that I started to compare the amount of "likes" I received on my workouts to that of others who performed similarly. So was I also cool and well-liked enough?
I mean what the actual fuck.
"I've come to the conclusion that the way we engage with social media is like fire-- you can use them to keep yourself warm and nourished, or you can burn down the barn. It all depends on your intentions, expectations, and reality-checking skills." -Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness
Wodify falls into that social media folder for me. I was using it to burn down the barn. I DID burn down the barn. I had poor intentions, high expectations, and what seemingly appeared to be zero reality-checking skills. My friend said it best after I told her I wished I had taken a few plays from her book when she said, "Girl hindsight is always 20/20."
Yes, yes it is. I wish I had been more aware of my competitiveness. I wish I had been more aware of how I was using CrossFit to fill my inadequacy. I wish I had known myself better than to get sucked into the comparison game. I wish I hadn't let my ego get the best of me. But hindsight is 20/20.
So I brush off the dust and get back up. I take the hand life has given me (or maybe the one I kind of handed to myself) and I learn and I move forward. I'm still doing CrossFit. I am certain the pros outweigh the cons. I just needed a shift in mindset-- an ego check. And I got it.
I've caught myself a few times saying, "If only I hadn't done those GHD sit-ups, then I wouldn't have found myself here." But the fact is, I would have wound up here eventually-- be it CrossFit or through some other avenue. Because this is bigger than CrossFit. This is bigger than Wodify posts. This is a matter of the heart, mind, and soul. It's a matter of knowing my worth is not dependent on my relationship status, job, appearance, or how much I can back squat. My worth is based on the notion that God created me to be here and that is enough.
I'm a work in progress. I don't have this all figured out. I'm still sorting and processing. I'm still learning with each day. Life is forever tries. It's the process of continually trying to forgive, continually trying to love, continually trying to be gracious. Never arriving, but forever trying.
As a friend said to me, "You are enough. Just the way you are. There's nothing that qualifies you as enough. You don't reach a certain level or attain some skill or award and suddenly become enough. You were enough the moment God created you. You are always enough. We get in our own way sometimes, but God is there wanting us to know He loves us and has invited us in. Just. the. way. we. are."
So here's to forever tries. Forever knowing we're enough...just because we are.
And this is where I've found myself. At somewhat of a rock bottom with a broken ego. The problem is that my ego has been broken for a while-- it's part of what led me to get rhabdo.
As I said in my previous post, CrossFit itself does not cause rhabdo. Broken egos and a multitude of other things cause rhabdo.
I always told myself that I was doing this for fun. I swore up and down that the day I felt I had to prove myself to someone or something, I had to reevaluate why I was doing CrossFit. I needed to step back and reflect. But that was easy to say in the beginning. It was easy to say because I was struggling with simple tasks such as properly gripping a barbell. I didn't have to worry about letting my ego get the best of me because I was like a baby learning to walk when it came to CrossFit. As I continued my journey I started to notice people who took it too seriously. They were the people that would slam the bar down in anger because the weight wasn't just so. They were the women that beat themselves up because the six pack wasn't there despite their very best efforts. They were the guys that spent what seemed like every waking moment in the gym..and still would walk away with a chip on their shoulder. It wasn't everyone. But there were some that seemed like it was never enough.
With time I became a little bit stronger, got a little bit faster, and started checking off movements I hadn't been able to do before. It was empowering. As a single woman it felt pretty bad ass to say I could dead lift 235 pounds. I celebrated the milestones and PR's well. I'd text my friend every time I accomplished something new. She celebrated with me too, but it was with a sense of humility and awareness that it's not always going to be like this. She had been around long enough to know that PR's fade, that some days you're stronger than others, and that the competitive spirit of the sport can get the best of you if you let it.
This friend of mine doesn't post her scores on Wodify anymore. She hasn't for a long time. And I always thought, secretly of course, that she was just weak. She couldn't handle having her scores out there for all to see. And I always thought I would never get to that point. I would proudly ride the bottom of the leader board, or humbly hold onto the short-lived time at the top. But bottom line-- I wasn't going to let it define me. Wherever I fell, I'd own it and be okay with it.
Until I wasn't.
I was no longer okay with back squatting under 200 pounds. I was no longer okay with the fact that I couldn't string pull-ups together. I wasn't okay with not Rx'ing the workout. I wanted to be better, stronger, faster. And heaven forbid someone who had just started CrossFit out-lift me in something. It was as though I had to prove myself worthy. Often when I tell this story I'm asked, "why?" or "to whom?" And I wish I had a solid answer. I think, if I'm honest, I felt inadequate. I have felt inadequate for some time. I was (am) a single woman with no boyfriend/husband/kids/house/dog who is barely making ends meet as a teacher. And I think I started to look to CrossFit to fill that inadequacy gap-- to make me feel better. I had to prove to the world I was strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough (but muscular enough), mentally tough enough, put-together enough. I didn't feel like I was enough on my own without these attributes. It's hard to admit this, but it got so bad that I started to compare the amount of "likes" I received on my workouts to that of others who performed similarly. So was I also cool and well-liked enough?
I mean what the actual fuck.
"I've come to the conclusion that the way we engage with social media is like fire-- you can use them to keep yourself warm and nourished, or you can burn down the barn. It all depends on your intentions, expectations, and reality-checking skills." -Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness
Wodify falls into that social media folder for me. I was using it to burn down the barn. I DID burn down the barn. I had poor intentions, high expectations, and what seemingly appeared to be zero reality-checking skills. My friend said it best after I told her I wished I had taken a few plays from her book when she said, "Girl hindsight is always 20/20."
Yes, yes it is. I wish I had been more aware of my competitiveness. I wish I had been more aware of how I was using CrossFit to fill my inadequacy. I wish I had known myself better than to get sucked into the comparison game. I wish I hadn't let my ego get the best of me. But hindsight is 20/20.
So I brush off the dust and get back up. I take the hand life has given me (or maybe the one I kind of handed to myself) and I learn and I move forward. I'm still doing CrossFit. I am certain the pros outweigh the cons. I just needed a shift in mindset-- an ego check. And I got it.
I've caught myself a few times saying, "If only I hadn't done those GHD sit-ups, then I wouldn't have found myself here." But the fact is, I would have wound up here eventually-- be it CrossFit or through some other avenue. Because this is bigger than CrossFit. This is bigger than Wodify posts. This is a matter of the heart, mind, and soul. It's a matter of knowing my worth is not dependent on my relationship status, job, appearance, or how much I can back squat. My worth is based on the notion that God created me to be here and that is enough.
I'm a work in progress. I don't have this all figured out. I'm still sorting and processing. I'm still learning with each day. Life is forever tries. It's the process of continually trying to forgive, continually trying to love, continually trying to be gracious. Never arriving, but forever trying.
As a friend said to me, "You are enough. Just the way you are. There's nothing that qualifies you as enough. You don't reach a certain level or attain some skill or award and suddenly become enough. You were enough the moment God created you. You are always enough. We get in our own way sometimes, but God is there wanting us to know He loves us and has invited us in. Just. the. way. we. are."
So here's to forever tries. Forever knowing we're enough...just because we are.
Comments
Post a Comment